Think

Melissa Woods

trihn t minh-ha has created a world in which thoughts and meanings curse
and ebb without boundaries. the neverending rise and fall of the mind
that flows unchecked upon the sand, grabbing bits and pieces of all it
touches. leaving behind traces of its existence, a faint murmur of what
it was.

thought with no boundaries is frightening
it would require me to climb into a higher sphere
to forge my way against the walls that surround imagination

        i know how to see the world
                    i am trained
                            my obedience
                                    was not forced
                                                it was expected

i often wonder if anything i think is my own
if i have come upon any knowledge that is mine alone
or if each moment of thought
simply relives another's

each breathe
bows to the hegemony

i worship its structure
live within its walls

i am living proof of its existence

even in rebellion i succumb to its power

i fight to release myself from
its oppression but find myself
in a tangled labyrinth of
emotion that holds captive
my sanity and sucks away at
my pounding heart until i
collapse into the jaws of the
frothy liquid that awaits

this liquid which bites into my brain
and makes it foggy
flooding creativity with reason

i give in

i seek to find myself within this prison

i seek truth
but there is no light

i seek knowledge
but there is only confusion

who is the man who tells me he is knowing?
who is he who is smart
who edits my words
and dresses my thoughts

when he tells me truths i shudder

he paints my world on the corner of the canvas
i have the brush
but where are the colors...
i need to find the colors

my black and white existence blurs into grayish clumps

and i scream for the yellow--

where inside this lump of mass of brain

is the yellow?

if only i could find it

i would paint myself a SUN so there is light

and i would ride my sun to the top of the world

and fly

he gives me the answers to questions i never asked
he tells me it is knowledge
he tells me it is truth
he tells me it is light

i think it is bullshit

when i ponder all the things in this world that i will never know, it is
overwhelming. humans have spent thousands of years looking for all of
the answers, but as a result all we seem to find is more and more
questions???

someone asked me the other day what my IQ is
i have no idea
but dont you think that attempting to categorize intelligence is ridiculous
there are things a child knows that i will never see
the simplest man may experience joy or pain unlike anything i will ever feel

and who is to say what kind of knowledge is the "better" kind
one who has the highest iq but cannot experience love...
does that really make him smarter or is he stupid
missing out on the true beauty of life?

and can you measure what one learns as they sit in solitude on a beach
surrounded by a thousand sounds that whisper peace into the ear
the smell of sand and salt and air and wind and rock
the sensuous
lick
of the wind across your cheek
the neverending chatter of living wetness-
the ocean speaks her beauty to those who care to listen

all of these things...

?dont they bring us knowledge
?dont they make us whole
?dont they teach what a thousand years of study never could
it is for this that i do not believe we can measure knowing

i wonder if that kind of knowledge
-a oneness with earth-
is the only truth that exists

every feeling, every emotion, direction, science, math...
none of these are truths
they are simply one way of seeing the world
but not the only way...

what is it that tells us 1+1=2
who decided those silly little lines would mean something important?
in order to live a normal life in this world
i have to know 1+1=2

and if i know that, i can know many things
maybe i can even find out how i came to be

a list of numbers and symbols can somehow categorize my very existence

but what if i dont want to know

what if 1+1=2 and it means nothing to me

what if i dont want to know how i came to be

i am here

isnt that enough?

i dont know how we learn to see things in different ways

how do i get past all of the "truths" i think i know

can i survive in a world where there is no truth??

as i search to find myself
to find these truths
in this vast and every looming world,
i
wonder
why
i am taking the time to do such a silly thing...

why cant i just be...

                                                                        be happy
be sad
                                    be smart
                                                                                              be silly
                be in love
                                                    be helpless

why do i feel the need to define who i am...i am trying to break out of
the MOLD of society
but i am using the categories and words of that
very society to do it...

i am a "feminist"
i am "smart"
i am "pretty"
i am not like this person, i am like that person
i like this, not that...

why do i have to define an identity for myself

surely i will feel differently at each and every moment of my life

what words would i choose if i could have but a few

how could i fit my being into black symbols

simple words, characters on a page,
cannot dictate the person that i am
how i feel
how i see
how i act

choosing a category boxes me in

so who am i?

i am me, this person who sits before this screen is me
every movement i make
every thought, good or bad, ugly or pure, is me
each word that stems from my brain is me
each breathe, each sound, these are me

if i say i am a "feminist" i am lying, because sometimes i let man
dominate me
if i say i am "pretty" i am wrong, because to one i am beautiful and to
the next i am gruesome
if i say i am "smart" i am ignorant, because there is always knowledge i
cannot reach, always knowing i cannot know
so all i can really say
all i can really do...

is be

i am